Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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