I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
