you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
