The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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