explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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