thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
