I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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