man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
