Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
