I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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