I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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