Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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