I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
