Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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