so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We're too hungover to prance.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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