make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize