it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize