doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
