Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
