You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
