hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize