The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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