it hurts more in the daytime
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
