I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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