I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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