today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
