i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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