apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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