who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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