On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Randomize
