Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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