Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
