On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
