I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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