first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize