You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
