i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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