Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
