I can text with my tongue
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
