haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize