So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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