I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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