I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
