if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
