"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
