If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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