i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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