i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
