I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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