I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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