We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize