Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize