I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
