you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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