College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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