Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
