she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
