I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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