there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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