the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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